A Long-ish Post About “Weird Science” With A Not-So-Catchy Title

You know what movie I watched last night?

Yeah, man. Classic.

“Weird Science” was on my TV every time it was on cable when I was a kid. When other people talk about 80’s movies, they usually bring up the standards: “Pretty In Pink”, “The Breakfast Club”, “Sixteen Candles”, etc. All fine films, of course. But being a nerd like I was am, I liked a different breed of films. The Professional Dummy Hall of Great 80’s Movies is home to movies that stretched credibility a bit more: “Buckaroo Banzai”. “Big Touble In Little China”. “Real Genius”. “Back To The Future”. “Gremlins”. The list goes on and on.

But “Weird Science” was interesting: the intersection of puberty and nerdiness. The story goes like this, for those who are unfamiliar:

Gary and Wyatt (played by 80’s movie staple Anthony Michael Hall and Ilan Mitchell-Smith) are two nerdy, beaten-upon* high schoolers who can’t get dates. So, while watching “Bride of Frankenstein” alone in Wyatt’s parents’ lush, richie-rich house, they get the central idea of the movie: let’s make a girl.

Yeah, somehow it works. Apparently, hacking into a NORAD computer system, scanning pictures of Playmates, and hooking a Barbie doll up to jumper cables will do this.

Then, to make her smart, they scan a picture of Einstein into the computer, and footage of David Lee Roth is added to the mix to make her cool.

Heh. 80’s.

Anyway, it works. Before they know it, Kelly LeBrock is standing in the bathroom doorway looking like a soft-core porn version of “Flashdance”.

Before I go further, let me discuss Kelly Lebrock. For many of my contemporaries, she is a true 80’s sexpot. And why not? With her proto-Jolie lips and British accent (and unfortunate big-80’s-hair), I should have fallen for her too. For some reason, though, she just didn’t “do it” for me. When I was young, I was more of a Lea Thompson and Phoebe Cates kind of guy.

Anyway, Lisa (Lebrock) ends up not having sex with them but taking them on a weekend-long journey of self discovery: they get drunk in a blues bar, get a Slurpee dumped on them at the mall, throw a huge, destructive party, stand up to a pack of post-apocalyptic bikers, and get the girls of their dreams. Along the way, there’s a dog on the ceiling, a completely blue kitchen, a naked blonde spit out of a chimney, and frozen grandparents.

And, of course, there’s Chet. Wyatt’s bullying big brother (who seemed to share some movie-bully-DNA with Biff Tannen), Chet was played pitch-perfect by Bill Paxton. Because of this role, no matter what movie I see him in, I always expect him to shout “Yer stewed, buttwad!” (or “There’s something moving down here and it ain’t us!” from “Aliens”). Chet is a moron. Lisa temporarily turns him into a fly-eating, talking shit-monster. Good stuff.

Eventually, Lisa’s work is done, so she disappears in a cloud of smoke, and (we assume) Gary and Wyatt go on to lead bully-free, girlfriend-filled lives.

Kelly LeBrock, meanwhile, went on to marry Steven Seagal, who was made by scanning pictures of Chuck Norris into a Commodore 64.

*Incidently, they were beaten upon by Robert Downey, Jr., a fine actor. His best line in the movie is “I’m shitting in my pants!”.