The Weirdest Fortune Cookie Message Ever

It read as follows:

“Here we go. ‘Moo Shu Cereal’ for breakfast with duck sauce”

Saywhatnow??

Published in: on August 29, 2007 at 7:23 pm  Comments (7)  

Don’t F*ck With The Falcons

“You want my purple socks? I’ll give them to you!” he sang in terror.

Published in: on August 27, 2007 at 8:03 pm  Comments (1)  

MORTAL KOMBAT!!

WHO WOULD WIN IN A FIGHT BETWEEN…

BEA ARTHUR & AIRWOLF?

-TOM HANKS & A TUBE SOCK?

-BURT REYNOLDS & AN END TABLE?

-HUGH HEFNER & ROBOCOP?

Now… FIGHT!!!

Published in: on August 23, 2007 at 3:26 pm  Comments (6)  

I Don’t Know What She Sees In Me

*Me: Hey, where’d you get this ring?

*The Wife: Which one?

*Me: This one here… with the skull on it. (See the ring here.)

*The Wife: Oh, that. I’ve had it for years. I wore it the other night when we went out.

*Me: I know that. I meant: where did you get it from, originally?

*The Wife: (Thinks) I really don’t remember. I think someone gave it to me. Why?

*Me: Well… I think it’s The Phantom’s ring.

*The Wife: …What?

*Me: Look, it’s The Phantom’s ring. (Goes to the DVD shelves, pulls “The Phantom” out and compares the rings, while hoping The Wife doesn’t notice the words “SLAM EVIL!” on the cover of the movie) That’s cool.

*The Wife: You’re excited, aren’t you?

*Me: Damn straight I am! (Squeezes it onto his pinky finger) I’m “The Ghost Who Walks” now.

*The Wife: (Sighing) It’s like living with a 2 year-old.

*Me: Nah. 4 year-old, tops.

Slam Evil!

Published in: on August 14, 2007 at 9:47 pm  Comments (9)  

Why I Don’t Watch Letterman Any More

Letterman… (sighs, lights a pipe and stares into the distance with old eyes)

First of all, my name may be listed here and elsewhere as Don, but my first name is really William… I’m Bill Gates, dammit. Think about all the crap I get for this. Anyway…

In the summer of 1999, I was at my parents house one day when the phone rings. The girl on the other end asks to speak to William Gates, and my mom asks “Which one? There’s two here, father and son.” The girl says “Whichever is available”, so my mom puts me on the phone, as my dad was away.

She identified herself as calling from the offices of “The Late Show With David Letterman”. I’m freaking out quite a bit, but soon realize it’s the real deal (she gave us several numbers, and we called them all- they were legit). It seems that Dave and his writers have cooked up a little routine where famously named people are selected from random phone-books to come on for some kind of routine (I think it was a top-ten list, but can’t remember now). I have been selected to be “Bill Gates”, and if I was able to Fedex and fax criteria to them (photo, proof of ID, etc.) they would fly me to NY to tape the show. We double and TRIPLE checked the authenticity- everything was on the level.

I got this call at 4:00, they needed to have the fax by 5. My parents lived in the woods, so I proceeded to bust my ass getting to town to do this stuff.

I got it done, then waited by the phone in my apartment. No call that night. The next day, there still hadn’t been a call, so I called them after work. They had received the faxes and overnighted stuff, but had no definite word for me. They would call tomorrow.

The next day I had to call them again. Dave had been debating over whether to use “Bill Gates” and “Steve Forbes” or “Mark McGuire” and “Sammy Sosa”. Dave, being the sports-nut he is, chose the sports-duo instead of the millionaire-duo, leaving me and a “Steve Forbes” crushed and devastated.

I still have the paper, with all the addresses and phone numbers `and names pertinent to this… the word “FUCK!!” is written across it. This was done at the exact moment of letdown.

I was a big fan of Letterman until then. I haven’t seen a single minute of the show since.

Published in: on August 7, 2007 at 2:33 pm  Comments (4)