Why I Don’t Watch Letterman Any More

Letterman… (sighs, lights a pipe and stares into the distance with old eyes)

First of all, my name may be listed here and elsewhere as Don, but my first name is really William… I’m Bill Gates, dammit. Think about all the crap I get for this. Anyway…

In the summer of 1999, I was at my parents house one day when the phone rings. The girl on the other end asks to speak to William Gates, and my mom asks “Which one? There’s two here, father and son.” The girl says “Whichever is available”, so my mom puts me on the phone, as my dad was away.

She identified herself as calling from the offices of “The Late Show With David Letterman”. I’m freaking out quite a bit, but soon realize it’s the real deal (she gave us several numbers, and we called them all- they were legit). It seems that Dave and his writers have cooked up a little routine where famously named people are selected from random phone-books to come on for some kind of routine (I think it was a top-ten list, but can’t remember now). I have been selected to be “Bill Gates”, and if I was able to Fedex and fax criteria to them (photo, proof of ID, etc.) they would fly me to NY to tape the show. We double and TRIPLE checked the authenticity- everything was on the level.

I got this call at 4:00, they needed to have the fax by 5. My parents lived in the woods, so I proceeded to bust my ass getting to town to do this stuff.

I got it done, then waited by the phone in my apartment. No call that night. The next day, there still hadn’t been a call, so I called them after work. They had received the faxes and overnighted stuff, but had no definite word for me. They would call tomorrow.

The next day I had to call them again. Dave had been debating over whether to use “Bill Gates” and “Steve Forbes” or “Mark McGuire” and “Sammy Sosa”. Dave, being the sports-nut he is, chose the sports-duo instead of the millionaire-duo, leaving me and a “Steve Forbes” crushed and devastated.

I still have the paper, with all the addresses and phone numbers `and names pertinent to this… the word “FUCK!!” is written across it. This was done at the exact moment of letdown.

I was a big fan of Letterman until then. I haven’t seen a single minute of the show since.

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Published in: on August 7, 2007 at 2:33 pm  Comments (4)  

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4 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. You know Bud Mellman had a hand in this… sneaky little bastard…

  2. LOL

  3. Dave Letterman…

    That’s TV, right? He’s that kid that replaced Carson? Or…am I thinking of something else? Hmm.

    Mr. Gates, you’re better off.)

    -Dave

  4. LOL

    Everything happens (or doesn’t happen) for a reason…


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