What Am I Going To Do With My Life?

I try to keep this blog as light and as fun as I can. I talk a lot about stuff that, in the over-all scheme of things, don’t really matter that much. I’ve got some problems that I’m trying to face down, but it’s not easy. I’m going to write about them in this post, because talking about them could help me.

This is fair warning: it’s not going to be a fun post today. Stop reading now if you want to, I’m going to get whiny and self-loatheful (is that a word?).

Still there? Okay, you must be a glutton for punishment.

Anyway, my dilemma is this: I don’t know how to be an adult. Weird huh?

I don’t know “what I’m gonna be when I grow up”. I never have, and now that I AM grown up, I’m kinda lost and scared feeling. I know what I’d LIKE to do: I’d love to write, or to be an illustrator, or to work on video games. The problem with this is that I lack talent and drive.

I can come up with concepts for writing, ideas that sound good (to me anyway; I rarely share them with anyone else), but that’s where they stall: in the concept stage.

I can sometimes produce a decent piece of art, but my talent isn’t consistent. I could do a little doodle at work that could be a great comic panel, but when I try to do something good on purpose, it ends up looking awful.

Video game work: forget it. That requires mathematics, which I have NO head for.

I’m stuck here, in a dead end job, with no hope ever to be something more.

Then there’s the problems at home: I never knew what was required in a true, serious relationship. I don’t know how to take care of the things a good husband should take care of. It’s like my brain is too full of useless crap to be able to hold onto anything important.

Want examples? Fine: I don’t know how much this month’s electric bill is. I can’t remember. I don’t know how much our car insurance is. I CAN’T REMEMBER. Want to know all The Shadow’s agents’ names? The Doc Savage Books I don’t have yet? Wanna know all the words to the “Lambda Lambda Lambda Rap” from Revenge Of The Nerds? I know all of them, and a whole lot more useless stuff that I can just spout off from the top of my twisted little head.

So why can’t I remember to do the important things in my life? Why have I let my wife shoulder the responsibility so much? It’s not like I don’t love her. My God, I truly believe that if something happened to her, I would die- one way or the other, my heart would stop working. I feel horrible for the crap she has to put up with from a 32 year-old child, but as hard as I try to change for her- for myself and for us- I just can’t.

She says that I’m selfish, and she’s parially right- it’s the curse of being a spoiled only-child. Oh sure, growing up it might have been fun for me to not have any responsibility. If I had a chore or something to do, my parents let me slack and not do it and eventually they’d do it themselves. But now, I’m paying the price with my lack of life skills.

God, I hate myself right now. I hate myself for taking advantage of people and my parents. I never wanted to do it, I just didn’t realize that it was happening (as odd as that sounds). I imagine if you’re reading this now, whoever you may be, you probably don’t like me very much either right now. I can’t blame you. I’m a bastard, and I’m so embarrassed by all the crap I’m revealing to you. Embarassed and sorry.

I can’t blame it all on my parents, though. After all, at some point in our lives, we have to stop blaming our upbringing and start being responsible for our own actions. I know what the problem is, I WANT TO CHANGE, more than anything in my life… but I don’t know how, and it’s the most frustrating thing in the world.

I’m not sure if I should seek help for this problem. Should I see a shrink or counselor? Should I just buckle down and keep trying (and keep failing)? Should I read Tony Robbins?

I don’t know, but not having the answer is really starting to piss me off, and I’m starting to get sick of myself.

Anyway, on with the shenanigans. I’ll start the ball rolling again with “Lil’ Hitler”. Enjoy, and thanks for listening.

Published in: on May 3, 2007 at 5:47 pm  Comments (2)  

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2 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Oh-ho-ho! Welcome to the real world.) Honestly, don’t panic…you are surrounded by folks who are exactly the same way…college professors that can’t dress themselves, corporate execs who can’t stay married, farmers that can’t read. Almost no one has a complete skill set on their own. I remember deciding years ago that while I loved the world of my imagination, I loved real life too, and the only way to get the best of both was to have a foot planted solidly in each.
    What you’re realizing is that you’re mostly standing on one foot!

    So your wife does some things better than you. What can you do that will make her life easier? Clean the house? Do the laundry? Take out the trash? Sit down with her and start making out lists of what’s “hers” and what’s “yours”. Amend the list if it still doesn’t feel right, until both of you feel like you’re sharing the load. Try to plan your time so that you can get those chores done…and plan out your recreation and couple time too!
    And for goodness sakes, go to some kind of financial managment workshop so that you can understand how to better take care of what money you have. It’s a great way to find out how things work, and a great time to set down some concrete goals like getting out of debt or building a house. It’s actually pretty fun, because you suddenly feel like you’ve got some leverage instead of just suffering. It makes it INTERESTING!) You don’t remember car insurance because it’s just not interesting to you.
    Now, for those pesky career goals. I think that it was John Adams that said “A man’s life is one of quiet desperation.” Those things that you have interests in are “interests”…kind of like stars in the sky…they point you in a direction, but aren’t goals into themselves. The only thing you can do is to go in that direction and find the things you CAN do that actually fit. Maybe you’re really need a collaborator to keep things rolling. Maybe you’ll stumble upon the one thing that just seems to fit in naturally. It’s like a relationship. You can’t force that sort of thing, you have to just build the best nest you can and…be patient. In the meantime, pay your bills and clean the house.)

    Learn to enjoy things about both worlds. Make some sacrifices and claim your time. Be better to your wife, and see if the both of you can come up with a way to share the load. It’s all a part of “deliberate living”, and it’s the honest (and manly) road to happiness.

    Enjoy yourself!

  2. Thanks Dave. I feel a bit better today. I was having a crummy day yesterday, and that made me a bit more ruminative on my situation. I am constantly trying to pick up the slack on my end of things and to make things easier for her, but it’s an uphill battle sometimes. If I don’t concentrate, if I just float along and not pay attention, then I miss out on the chance to do my share. I’m working on it.

    Those were pretty good suggestions, too. I felt kind of sheepish admitting my problems (“Hi. I’m Don, and I’m a man-child.” “Hi Don!”), but I’m glad the response wasn’t pure ridicule (I’ll leave that up to myself).

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