I Love My Black Topcoat

Crossing the road from the local convenience store back to work today, a van was bearing down on me. I broke into a trot to hasten my way across the road, and then it happened.

My pants fell down.

Not all the way, mind you. But there was a full 3 inches of butt crack exposed. I wished I wore my belt today, and I began to panic, picturing the cars, full of Christmas shopping families, laughing as the crack of Don appeared. My wife’s face appeared in my minds-eye, in tearful hysterics over the exposure of my unfortunate posterior.

But then my panic faded. I was wearing… My Black Topcoat!

Next to my fedora, it’s my favorite article of clothing. It’s hard to make me feel cool, but that coat… it just feels cool. It billows behind me in a breeze, it hangs down to my knees when there’s no wind. It’s like something that Lamont Cranston or Bruce Wayne would wear… or at the very least Darkman.

And now, it protected me from embarrassment. Nobody could see my butt, and I was quickly able to reach back and hike my pants up before any further calamity.

So, not only does my coat make me feel cool, it also protects my ass from the world.

And, you know, vice versa.

Published in: on December 13, 2006 at 1:54 am  Leave a Comment  

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